I am very much struggling right now. The last few days have been very hard for me. I feel like I'm slowly (and sometimes quickly) losing control of myself. Little things have been greatly irritating me and I, without thinking, want to lash out physically. I haven't, but the desire is there so strongly that I have been having to put the kids in other rooms and close myself in mine until I can be somewhat rational again.
This morning I was at the worst and in the two hours we'd been awake had made Maddie spend at least an hour of it in her bed because I just couldn't handle it. Then Jordan came home and at work they had requisitioned (meaning the managers had scratched them from inventory) some soda and Jordan got some to bring home. So he told me to go have a Dr. Pepper. I've been trying to avoid caffiene because I really am trying to get life back in control and follow the commandments and what the Prophets have said. I had a dr. pepper and now, I'm rational again. It's like magic to me how caffiene doesn't really give me energy but rather, alters my state of mind. I was sitting there being grumpy yet trying to pretend I was happy for Maddie (she asks me regularly if I am happy or not so much) when all of a sudden yes, I was happy.

Now here's my dilema. Knowing, again - yes I do forget this- that caffiene helps me be a better person/mommy, do I imbibe every few days to keep my kids safe until we have health insurance and I can get some medication that will fix my brain chemistry and make me back into the person I once ways, or do follow the word of wisdom and continue hoping and praying that I will continue to keep myself in check even if it means letting my kids do who knows what while I lock myself in the bathroom?

This isn't really something I wanted to share with the world, but I need some advice, preferably from those who understand (aka my family - and friends if you have - who are and have been on depression/anxiety medication).

And now I'm going to clean my house.

Mommy is ornery today.
Ava won't take a nap.
Mandorallyn can't stop talking. Seriously. We were coloring the visual aid for our family home evening lesson. 40 minutes later she had colored the head of one small ice cream cone because she spent almost the entire time just talking. Doing my best not to use some duct tape on her.

Urgh. Yesterday I was holding Ava and her head moved one way and my hand the other and I scratched her eye. My poor baby! So now her left eye is red and goopy as it tries to heal itself.

And mommy and daddy are both down with tummyaches and nausea. The children are reigning today.

My seam ripper has gone into hiding again.
And I miss my American Girl doll. Why do I always get rid of things I miss later?!

We went on a walk to the dollar store. And got lots of new books! They tend to get A LOT of books there and today I actually had money to get some. A dollar for a new hardbound book? yes please! The one I'm reading right now Night Work by Steve Hamilton is pretty good so far. It's a thriller. With no sex!! He curses a bit, but when he "went back to her place" that's all that was mentioned. So happy day on that!

Ava just sat up all the way all by herself. again. She's getting quite good at it. Still falls over but knows how to roll into it or catch herself for the most part. Though I wish she were in bed. Oh wait she would be if Jordan woudl get out of our bed, haha. He won't be up until 9 or ten though.

I need to go put lotion on my hands feel like they're about to crack.

church was excellent yesterday.
doing better at having patience.
fourth night of sleeping poorly. very very tired.
doing laundry.
too much clothes. wishing for the days of a church outfit, work outfit, and school outfit.